The 2rd Coming: Trump, Musk, and the Art of Gov’t ‘Efficiency

Disclaimer: The following is a satirical take on recent political events. Reader discretion is advised.

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Act I: The Return of the King (of Bankruptcy)

Donald J. Trump, a man who has gone bankrupt more times than Fyre festival organizers, somehow found his way back to the White House in 2024. It was a comeback so improbable that even Vegas oddsmakers were like, “Nah, this can’t be real.” Yet, here we are—living in the season finale of American democracy.

His first order of business? Revenge. On whom? Unclear. The media? The deep state? The people who made fun of him for walking down ramps like a baby deer on ice? Who knows? But if you’ve ever tweeted, posted, or even thought something negative about him, check your employment status.

His second order of business? Stacking his administration with billionaires, cronies, and whatever’s left of his inner circle after multiple indictments. Among them: Elon Musk, newly appointed head of the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE). Because who better to streamline government than the guy who made Twitter worse than a 4chan comment section?

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Act II: Enter the Musketeer

Musk’s first decree as DOGE czar? An email to federal employees demanding they justify their existence in weekly summaries.

Responses varied:

• The Department of Defense ignored him, because they don’t answer to nerds.

• The IRS started preparing Musk’s audit.

• The Environmental Protection Agency replied with “LMFAO good one”and continued calculating how many kids would develop asthma now that regulations were gone.

But Musk was serious. If your job wasn’t essential—you were out.

Then came the efficiency crusade.

1. DEI programs? Gone. (Musk tweeted “diversity is a psyop.”)

2. Mass layoffs. (Because nothing says efficiency like firing the entire Social Security Administration.)

3. Cutting waste! (Except for government contractors charging $900 for a screwdriver. Those guys? Totally fine.)

Naturally, things started collapsing faster than a Bad Boy Records NDA.

• The EPA? Gutted. Hope you like your tap water with a side of lead poisoning.

• The IRS? Slashed. Which sounds good, until you realize billionaires stopped getting audited too.

• The Social Security Administration? Staffed by three interns and a voicemail machine.

The real victims? Middle-class workers who spent decades keeping the country running. They were now jobless, applying for unemployment at an agency that Musk had just defunded.

Musk’s solution? “They can all just work at Tesla.”

Yes, because nothing says “dignified employment” like assembling Cybertrucks for minimum wage while your boss tweets about how AI is stealing his girls.

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Act III: The Trade War Nobody Wanted

While Musk was busy wrecking the U.S. government like it was Twitter’s algorithm, Trump had a brilliant idea: start another trade war with our allies.

Despite four years to reflect on how his last tariff war only hurt farmers, he doubled down. Europe? Taxed. Japan? Taxed. Canada? Taxed.

His reasoning?

“We don’t need foreign cars! We got the Swasticar, folks!” (Also known as Cybertruck)

The results?

• The EU hit back, tanking U.S. exports overnight.

• Japan politely called Trump “an economic illiterate.”

• Canada sighed and said, “Again?”

Meanwhile, Americans got hit with soaring prices. Steel, electronics, groceries—everything shot up. Farmers, already traumatized from the first trade war, watched in horror as China stopped buying U.S. soybeans AGAIN.

Trump’s response? More tariffs.

When asked about the economic downturn, he blamed Biden.

Biden, currently retired and growing tomatoes in Delaware, reportedly looked up and said, “What the hell did I do?”

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Act IV: The Diplomatic Disaster

As if the previous acts weren’t chaotic enough, President Trump and Vice President J.D. Vance decided to dabble in diplomacy—with all the finesse of a bull in a china shop.

Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy visited the White House, hoping to discuss support against Russian aggression and a supposed minerals deal. Instead, he got a front-row seat to the Trump-Vance reality show.

The meeting quickly devolved into a public shouting match, with Trump accusing Zelenskyy of not showing enough gratitude for past U.S. aid and Vance chiming in like a hype man at a rap battle. Zelenskyy, visibly frustrated, retorted that Ukraine wasn’t a “pawn” in global politics.

The media had a field day:

• CNN: “Never before has an American president verbally attacked his visitor like Trump did to Zelenskyy.”

• The Guardian: “One of the greatest diplomatic disasters in modern history.”

• Russian State Media: “Pass the popcorn.”

The fallout? The international community lost whatever faith it had left in U.S. foreign policy.

Meanwhile, in Moscow, Putin was reportedly seen giggling into a glass of vodka.

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Act V: The Explosion Heard ‘Round the World

As a billionaire, Musk excels at two things: avoiding taxes and making expensive things explode.

So, naturally, SpaceX launched a brand-new spacecraft, marketed as the future of space travel.

It promptly exploded.

Live. On TV.

At a press event.

In front of Trump.

As the flaming wreckage rained down, Musk assured everyone this was “actually a huge success.”

Trump, unfazed, declared,

“That was the most beautiful explosion, maybe ever. People are saying it.”

Musk, meanwhile, pivoted immediately to selling DOGE-branded flamethrowers to recover the losses.

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Epilogue: The Cost of ‘Efficiency’

So, what did all this efficiency actually accomplish?

• The government? A smoldering crater.

• The economy? A trade war-infested nightmare.

• The space program? Grounded—literally, because the rockets keep exploding.

• America? Now just a Mad Max sequel but with more billionaires.

Musk? Richer than ever.

Trump? Still blaming Biden.

Biden? Still in Delaware, tending to his tomatoes.

For the rest of us? Hope you like your new job at Tesla.

Or better yet, start a podcast. Because at this rate, there won’t be any real jobs left.

Patty Rose is the host of

Spent the Rent Podcast

Spent the Rent Podcast

is available @ strpod.com